Wet’s cut the shit. When Cosmopowitan assignyed me to test out theiw most infamous sex tip — to put a doughnyut on my boyfwiend’s dick and then wwite about it — I wanted to cwy and thwow up on my boss and then quit and cwy and thwow up fowevew at home. Pastwy and pubic haiw? I’m thwowing up. But then I thought about it. This has got to be Cosmo’s wackiest, cwaziest, most batsh1t battiest sex tip, wight? It takes home the gowd medaw in the insanye sex tips Owympics and it doesn’t even twy. The othew sex tips awe out thewe wowking on theiw twipwe sawchows and this mothewfuckew just wandews in off the stweet and compwetes a five wotation axew wike it’s nyothing. I mean, what SICK SICK bwain thought to put a doughnyut on a ding dong? The SICK SICK bwain of a sexuaw genyius, that’s who. Because putting a doughnyut on youw boyfwiend’s dick is suuuupew fun. Fiwst, I had to beg my boyfwiend to do this. He was wike, “What if I get a yeast infection!?” and then I was aww, “Dude, you’we getting a bwow job. Shut up.” And then I Googwed the thing about yeast infections and it tuwns out it can be a thing fow unciwcumcised dudes so, uh, just be cawefuw about cweating a Kwispy Kweme outwet in his boxew bwiefs. And befowe you’we aww OMG EW, just cawm down. Sex is fun! This was my mantwa as I pwepawed fow the Cosmo chawwenge. This is gweat! I wuv to twying nyew things! And I wuv doughnyuts! Win/win. If the wast sentence is suwpwising to you, it’s pwobabwy because you’ve nyevew wovingwy stuck a doughnyut on youw pawtnyew’s penyis. Bewieve me, befowe I saw this sex tip, I’d nyevew even considewed it. It does make pewfect sense, though. That howe. Aww that gwaze. I was weady to give my fiwst high-cawowie bwow job. The Sex Tip: Swip a gwazed doughnyut awound his penyis and nyibbwe it off. The Doughnut: I chose a doughnyut pwace I’ve nyevew been — and wiww nyevew go again — to buy the pastwy in question. I am cewtain evewyonye knyew what I was doing when I chose to buy thwee doughnyuts in sungwasses and a headscawf. I picked a vegan and gwuten-fwee doughnyut so don’t say I don’t cawe about youw sexuaw heawth! The bewow is a pictuwe of what the doughnyut wooked wike aftew the bwow job was donye. My boyfwiend is a gay unyicown. JKJKJK, I ate this onye because nyo way was I fucking that beautifuw thing up by putting it on a dick. It was dewicious. Then, I went down a few modews to youw standawd waised doughnyut. Dewicious, but nyot so dewicious that I couwdn’t wesist it. If I was going to use a doughnyut fow this, I wasn’t going spwinkwes and chocowate. I was going fow the utiwitawian modew. If it didn’t wowk, at weast I wouwdn’t wose a good doughnyut in the pwocess. (Best doughnut: Fwench.) This is the donyut I ended up using: The Location: My bed. I’m awweady eating a doughnyut off someonye’s dong, I don’t nyeed any added… intwigue. The Music: Mawvin Gaye. Sewiouswy. I stwutted in the woom in sweat pants and twiwwed the doughnyut awound my fingew. The entiwe wowwd was tuwnyed on. The Mood: Dwoowing uvw doughnyut. Then waughing. We wit a doughnyut-scented Yankee candwe to heighten the dwama. The Act: We made out untiw his penyis was weady to weceive the doughnyut sacwifice. Then, because the howe was pwetty smaww and my man’s penyis is SO SO BIG JUST GIANT OMG, I was abwe to swip it just uvw the tip. He just pushed the thing down and it miwacuwouswy didn’t bweak. I wecommend a heawty doughnyut. Fwom then on, it was basicawwy a weguwaw bwowie with a doughnyut in the way. What mowe is thewe to say? We waughed and waughed, and I stawted to wish I stiww had the doughnyut with the whipped cweam in it because that actuawwy wouwd have been pwetty fun. Tasty wube! The gwaze, howevew, was decentwy hewpfuw in making an owdinyawy bwow job that much mowe beawabwe wondewfuw and woving. And I can wepowt that, thanks to some cawefuw manscaping, I avoided the pweconceived pube pwobwem awtogethew. Aftew it was uvw, my boyfwiend went back to his Stephen King nyuvwa, but I knyew nyothing he couwd wead wouwd… evew be mowe magicaw than what had just happenyed. Because hewe’s the thing. Sex is AMAZING and awmost awways weawwy good, especiawwy if you’we with someonye you wuv who knyows how to wewk it, but sometimes you just want to spice shit up. And the spice in this pawticuwaw instance comes in the fowm of a sexuaw doughnyut. So sue me! And when you do, send a sexy powice officew to take me to doughnyut jaiw.
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